Building relationships

Society is a web of relationships, requiring all parties to work together in order to create something that is good. If you understand what people want and why they want it, you can usually find a way to make progress together. We all have the technical resources and material to solve all the problems we have. The only thing that is missing is the willingness and the skills to work together. This requires us to listen to each-other, listening is the underlying skill required in all good relationships.

What can help build positive relationships:

• At least one party should decide that the relationship is important
• Learn to listen effectively, without judging
• Meet people informally so they feel comfortable, raising issues that are important to them
• Develop a culture whereby people can express their feelings

What gets in the way:

• A history of mistrust or stereotyping. There are often more differences between the members of a group than between groups. Stereotyping causes destruction in relationships, everyone is unique and wants to feel uniquely valuable.
• Blaming the other party for a difficult relationship. Blaming another person or group is usually futile. It creates distance and defensiveness and it does not let the relationship grow. It is a lot more useful to think about what I need to do, or not do, to make things better. I can change my behavior much more easily than anyone else’s.
• Focusing on the task and excluding the feelings and needs of others. People have feelings and they bring those feelings to work. If you ignore people’s feelings and drive through the task regardless then your best people will leave, you will alienate your customers and you will not get the contribution you could.
• Unclear objectives, roles and expectations of each other. If we don’t know what we want of each other, misunderstandings are inevitable.

Techniques to improve relationships:

Between two people:

• Active listening. One person summarises what the other person has said to make sure that he/she has understood correctly.
• Taking turns to help each other. Each person describes an issue, idea or problem. The first person acts as a consultant, by asking questions, and helps the other person find a solution.
• Helping contracts. On the left-hand side of a piece of paper, write down a list of “things I can do to help you”. Then, on the right-hand side write a list of things “you could do to help me”. Invite the other person to add to both lists.

In the whole organization:

• Team building. The effectiveness of an organization depends on people working well in teams. Team building helps a team create a clear and shared vision of what its members are trying to achieve. Team members also identify the practical issues they face, start to tackle them together and learn how to work together.
• Survey work. An objective person who is usually external to the organisation interviews everyone in an organisation and creates a valid picture of the organisation. The outsider feeds this information back to the organisation and helps plan improvements. This process brings things out in the open and makes it easier to discuss them.

The principles of building effective relationships are universal. First, however it may appear, we are all doing the best we can. Second, win-win solutions are always possible. Finally, every person and every group has something valuable to contribute.

Bianca Allery
Client relations manager